This was published in 'Musical Opinion', February 1913, and revised for re-publication in 'The Organ' quarterly, October 1926. It was set in a fictitious future.

Our representative called the other day on Messrs. Brown, Jones & Postlethwaite, the eminent organ builders, with a view to giving readers of Musical Opinion some idea of the new instrument for Much Hadham Cathedral. Here is his report of the interview:-

"Yes," said Mr. Brown, in response to my opening question; "yes, we have, I think we may safely say, the largest organ in the world, - 222 speaking stops. Why exactly 222? Well, we had specified for 220, but heard at the last minute that Mr. Cyrus P. Waghorn, the Lard King, was building one for his native town of Boostville, Mo., with 219 stops, in order to steal a march on a rival captain of industry at Hustleton, Ill., who had given one of 215 stops. So in self defence we added to ours, and - this in your ear! - we have left a few more prepared for. We are determined that this country shall hold her own in the matter."

"How about stop names?" I asked. "Surely the supply must be running short?" - "Well," replied Mr. Brown, "there was a little difficulty at first; till it occurred to our Mr. Postlethwaite that we might well draw on some familiar expressions of due sonority, - in foreign tongues of course, and Latin for choice, as well as for its ecclesiastical flavour as for its mouth-filling and satisfying qualities. Here, for instance [playing a few chords on a stop of flute-like quality], is our 8ft. dulce domum. How exactly the name suits it! Listen to this pedal stop......there! That is the custos rotulorum 16ft."

"But," I said, "for the life of me, I can't see any difference between that and an ordinary bourdon." - "Well," he said, "as to that, we don't pretend that there is any difference. But don't you see that it stimulates the player's imagination to feel that he is using a stop with such a name? The public like it, too. Not that they know t'other from which! But you will hear one say to another, 'Have you heard the splendid custos rotulorum at Much Hadham?' and the other answer, 'My dear man, a poor thing, I assure you, - a mere tonal fleabite compared with the annus mirabilis at Biggleswade.' Besides, we must call them something, or the players would get muddled. The names are easier to remember than numbers. But listen to this, one of our pet stops. We call it the ben trovato, a 16ft. gamba with quite a special colour. It was originally called the double entendre, but we found a ridiculous clerical objection to the name, so we call it that only in organs for picture palaces and town halls. We have been specially happy, I fancy, in naming our mixtures. The vas victis, for instance, the cui bono (a peculiarly good name some will say), and the disjecta membra all suggest mixtures just as strongly as this [playing a heavy booming note] is aptly described by ore rotundo, or this (a charming 8ft. horn of smooth tone) by summum bonum.

"Then we have gone one better than any other organ builder in the matter of manuals. Formerly, we had a great, swell, choir, solo and echo. Then along came another builder, with a celestial organ in the triforium. But the last word, after all is with us; for our Mr. Postlethwaite, to whose fertile imagination I have already paid tribute, came in with a real winner. At Much Hadham, in addition to the celestial organ (in the triforium) there will be an infernal organ (in the stokehole). Here is the specification:-

INFERNAL ORGAN (in the stokehole)
  Monstrum horrendum         64ft. )      in
  Horresco referens         128ft. ) separate cages
  Hors de combat              1 foot (clubbed)
  Pulex irritans              Three ranks
  Mounted caviare             Too rank (much)
  Taurus magnus               4 feet
  Voix diabolique             ---

Most of these speak for themselves, - and in no uncertain fashion. I might explain, however, that the voix diabolique is a drawstop that makes all the others sound a chord of the diminished seventh. You may imagine what a thrill the man in the pew will get when he hears a rapid scale passage played on it!" "But," I said, "I can see little use for this part of the scheme. The pulex irritans, it is true, might be used by descriptive organists in such verses as 'The ungodly flea' - I mean flee - and in the psalm for the fifteenth evening, at the mention of one of the most irritating of the Egyptian plagues; but as a whole an infernal organ seems somewhat of a luxury." - "You need have no anxiety on that score," he said; "already several pieces of organ music are published wherein will be found plenty of scope for it. In one of the Symphonic Chorales of Karg-Elert there is a long section called 'Inferno,' where it will surely be useful. It may also be introduced effectively here and there in Reubke's Sonata. Then, again, 'storm' effects have up to now been far from satisfactory. Instead of the time-honoured device of negligently resting an elbow on the lower part of the keyboard, or getting a choirboy to stand on the pedals for thunder, you simply draw your voix diabolique and pump the pedal which opens the stokehole grating. For lightning, your pulex and caviare will give you all that you want, if not more. Chromatic scales on the piccolo are a fool to it. Besides, do you suppose that composers who are able to turn out 'Choruses of Angels' and the like will not be able to manage the other thing just as well? One composer, for example, has already in the publisher's hands a 'Grand Symphonic Tone Poem' making the most of the possibilities. I have a synopsis of it somewhere. Ah! here it is:-

"GRAND SYMPHONIC FANTASY-POEM.
Conflict between Angels and Demons.
    Synopsis:
Adagio religioso (celestial organ);
Hymn (choir organ), 'Fight the good fight;'
Allegro agitato accelerando poco a poco al presto furioso (infernal organ);
Battle Scene (celestial and infernal, used antiphonally), Temporary Triumph of Demons;
Anxiety of the Church (represented by great diapasons);
Exultation of the World (solo reeds);
Hymn (choir organ), 'Art thou weary?'
Strepitoso (all organs used), gradual victory of great and celestial organs;
Finale, Paean of Joy, with fanfares, scales and carillons, followed by a collection for the organ fund."

"But let me show you one or two more of our specialities. This is a pretty oboe, warranted not to get out of tune with even the most violent changes of temperature; hence its name, - rara avis. Here is yet another example of our friend's pretty wit in naming stops. You will never guess why this mixture is called puris naturalibis, so I will tell you, - because it sounds a bare fifth!

"...Well, of course, if you must go...... But I can assure you that there are lots of stops and things you haven't seen yet. The vox populi, for instance, and the family of tubas and tibias, which range from the roaring blastoon up to the delicate, almost inaudible, quifferina. Still, you have seen enough, I hope, to be able to convince your readers that the honour of the Flag [here he uncovered], so far as organ building is concerned, is safe with us."

'Autolycus'